Eulogy to, and the Story of, ‘Our Crinkle’

This is my first blog post for 2021.

It is dedicated to Our Crinkle, the cutest little dog, with the the biggest heart and the strongest of wills, who knew exactly what she wanted and kept going until she got it: our hearts.

On Wednesday 13^th January I woke to find her dead and primal sobs and howls of grief emanated from within my entire being as I held her limp lifeless body to mine. I held her close to me and cried all day. Bereft, broken, unable to comprehend how she could go so quickly, so unexpectedly; beside myself with the additional grief at not having been able to hold and comfort her as she slipped away; relieved that she had chosen to be in the bedroom with us that night, on the cushion we had beneath the bed for Angus to use whenever he wanted and which she occasionally chose to use too.

She was our little Goldilocks, not that she had golden locks, she was tan and white and more often covered in mud than not, but I called her that when I found how much like the fairy tale character, Goldilocks, she really was. She knew exactly what she wanted and exactly the way she wanted it. When it came to beds she tested and tried out every single bed around before she chose where she would sleep each night, sometimes moving between beds several times during the night until she’d found the perfect one.

On that final night she chose to be with us in the bedroom, on the cushion beneath our bed, as close to us as she could possibly be, and that’s where she fell into her last and forever sleep, near us, with us, knowing we were hers and she ours, forever.

I wept inconsolably for her all day and that night I gave her a gentle bath and brushed and dried her hair in readiness for her planned burial the next day and then I held her some more, before finally settling her into her favourite chair, the one she chose and made hers, in exactly the same way she had chosen and made us hers too.

Yesterday, Thursday the 14^th of January 2021, not having been able to sleep and not wanting to leave her on her own, I got up in the wee small hours and sat with my Crinkle, sobbing. She looked so sweet and restful, like she was merely sleeping, not dead and gone forever from us. My love and loss were overflowing from my heart and eyes as I kissed her and held her some more.

Thursday was my first day of being without my beloved Crinkle in almost a year. We had decided to bury her in the garden, but after much discussion with my friends who were going to dig her grave and help bury her we decided to opt for a cremation instead. So we took her for one last drive, held in my arms and being washed by my tears.

I had wrapped her up in her favourite blanket, which wasn’t even a blanket, just a piece of the softest furry fabric which she loved to be on, or scrunch up around and under her or, more importantly, to be wrapped up in, by one of us, as she smacked her little lips with pleasure and contentment as we did so.

My heart broke again when I left her at the Surrey Pet Cemetery and Crematorium on Thursday. It was only for a day but it still felt wrong to be leaving her.

On Friday I collected her ashes and she is now back at home, in her home, where she belongs and where she always wanted to be: at home in the place she loved and with us, the family she chose and adopted and loved totally and unconditionally, starting with her beloved adored and adoring Angus, her partner in crime, both of them inseparable ‘terrierists’ as we laughingly called them, due to all their antics and mischief and their many escape plans and adventures which they hatched together and then meticulously executed, together.

As I relinquished her into the care of the lovely, tattooed young man in a black mask, who had come to the car to collect her from me and who spoke ever so gently and reassuringly to me as he took her away from me, I couldn’t stop my tears from flowing and as I shut the car door and looked down at my empty lap, huge uncontrollable sobs burst forth from my heart and I wanted to call him back, take her back, hold onto her lifeless body again, never let her go. Rational thinking won. We went home without her. I felt like I was failing her and letting her down by letting her be separated from us when all she ever wanted was to be with us.

Slowly, determinedly, over the past decade, she had wormed herself into our hearts and was not going to give up until she had won and totally owned them and had made us ‘hers’.

When she was joined by two leggy, exuberant pointers that was it, she hatched and executed her greatest plan of all: to become our baby girl, to move in with us and never have to leave again, to have us as her own and to be ours, our baby girl, Our Crinkle. And thanks to the Coronavirus, her dream came true last year.


************************************************************************


Alarmed at the news of COVID-19 in early January 2020, I started to feel uncomfortable and unsafe and began to worry about going out and about in the streets and shops of London, where I was at a high risk of catching the infection and of making my already complex disabilities worse, or worse still, dying too soon, too early, due to my heightened vulnerability because of my existing health conditions.

By February I was almost not going anywhere due to my mounting concerns. By mid March I had already spent weeks ensconced at home, trying to safely isolate myself from the world, but with the world regularly popping in to see me. So upon hearing of an imminent lockdown, my friends, especially Xxx and Xxxx, two of the people who care the most about me, as well as providing most of the care that I need on a daily basis, convinced me it was not safe for me to be in London and as one of them lived in the countryside and had space for me to be there, they urged me to go away to the woods and spend as much of the lockdown there as was possible, returning home only when necessary, until it was safe again.

The decision was finally made on a Saturday, when over the course of the day I had had 11 lovely but unexpected visitors, reminding me and my friends how nigh on impossible it would be for me to stay safe, if I stayed there. Eleven visitors in a day was, to be fair, slightly more than normal, but having friendly callers pop in was nothing unusual for my home, which has always been a happy, welcoming, music making, friendly kind of place, ever since before I even moved there myself.

It, my house, has a beautiful energy about it, something which I myself felt and was drawn to when I first walked into it and which my neighbour of the time, Mrs Betty Clapton, who had lived there for 60 years before I arrived in my street, happily confirmed, as she regaled me with tales of all that had happened in that house and street over the years. She was a remarkable woman with a fantastic memory and was incredibly well informed about current affairs and equality issues, gay rights, transgenderism and local history and had many, many yarns to tell. She cycled around everywhere till arthritis eventually made her housebound in her eighties but she was still so full of the joys and zest of life that it was an absolute joy to have her as my friend and neighbour.

Having grown up moving almost constantly as a child, it is wonderful to have finally put down roots and to have lived in the same place for 28 years, which has resulted in my knowing most of of my neighbours and many other people in the vicinity which has led to my having a constant stream of lovely friendly visitors. I am lucky and feel so blessed and grateful to have so many friends and neighbours who want to see me and to spend time with me and who care so much about me and my wellbeing, or that I can be of some help and comfort to too. But that said, I knew I had to retreat in order to stay safe.

That Saturday evening I went to see my octogenarian mother who needed some help with some papers and with her phone, including how to use Whatsapp. Something I am so grateful I was not only able to introduce her to, but also to be able help guide her with remotely, once I had set it up and got her going on it. Her phone and being on Whatsapp have helped keep her connected and sane in these strange isolating times which have impacted so severely on the mental health of so many.

As I left my mother that night, knowing I would be isolating fully from the next day and that the Lockdown was due to be announced soon, meaning that everyone else would have to be isolating too, I wondered if that would be the last time I would ever get to see her. My heart broke as we hugged good night and good bye but I didn’t dare cry. I didn’t want to frighten her.

On the Sunday I decamped to the woods where I wouldn’t get so many people calling round and where, if I had to see anyone, there was access to the garden and a toilet without entering the house. If I remained in my own house people would have had to traipse through the house to get to the garden, meaning I wouldn’t be able to have visitors, or if I did, that I would be breaching the rules and risking my safety.

Luckily for me I had the option of being in the middle of nowhere instead: somewhere where I could really self isolate and stay safe. Somewhere where the cutest little dog, Crinkle, lived. Somewhere where Crinkle always hung around, waiting for whenever we were down there with her best friend, our baby boy Angus, who is a very independent minded Cairn Terrier with whom she had spent as much time as she possibly could over the past decade, much to her owner’s dismay and chagrin at times and amusement and resignation at others. But the two of them loved each other so much and were happy little inseparable partners in crime, and what’s more, the two of them loved being in our company too.

And so it was that we moved down to the woods and a very delighted Crinkle met us at the car and immediately moved in with us.

Till then she was used to mostly just weekend visits from me and was used to my spending a lot of my time in London or spending whole summers away at festivals and used to lots of our comings and goings.

Joyous, happy comings: as we returned to her so she and her Angus could go off exploring and adventuring together.

Despondent heartbreaking goings and such sorrowful looks and misery at being returned home to her house every day without her Angus, where the arrival of one and then two pointers after the loss of her other best companion, Mel, made her increasingly unhappy and more apt to long even more to be free and to be able to choose to be with her Angus, and with us, not just for short unpredictable periods, but for all of the time.

We often hear of cats making second homes, or even making themselves at home in several homes, or simply choosing and moving into totally new homes.

Crinkle, much as she loved her owner, was not happy about the pointers and spent even more of her time hanging out with her beloved Angus and us. So when the Lockdown trapped and confined us to being there all of the time, unable to even take her back home safely to her owner’s house each day, she was relieved and totally in her element and very happily at home with us.

The days and weeks turned into blissful months for Crinkle, spent with her adored and adoring Angus and the two of them spent the happiest and most relaxed of times with us. She was simply luxuriating in the joy of having Angus and us to herself, with her, 24/7, everyday.

But we knew she was not ours, that her owner didn’t want us to encourage her to be there, so while we were certainly not mean to her, we weren’t fully opening our hearts to her either. Each day she, and to be fair we too, would worry about whether or not she would be sent or taken home, or have to be locked out from our home and from our love for her.

She was constantly worried too, in case we would go off and leave her again, knowing that for a decade we had regularly done so. But she slowly relaxed when first days then weeks and a couple of months went by and still she was here with us.

Then, on the 29^th of May, I got an amazing, life changing message saying:

“Hi there . I hope you are both well . I have decided that since Crinkle prefers your company to mine that I am going to gift her to you both . She hasn’t returned home since March and the other 2 dogs only see her occasionally around the yard so I would have to re introduce her to them in regards to sleeping and eating and I’m not sure that will go that well as they tussle for top dog position . I guess this will make the current situation more final . And I hope you will all be very happy . Xx”

This message broke my heart for her owner and burst my heart with happiness for our little Crinkle, as that is all she and her little heart had seemed to ever want in the world, especially once there were two big dogs to contend with for food, space and affection at home. Dogs she was more than happy to romp and play with outdoors, but not to share indoor space, food and our affections with. All she wanted was to be with us and finally her wish had come true. Finally she was officially ‘ours’ and we ‘hers’. We could spoil and love her as much as we wanted to and as much as she so fully and absolutely deserved.

************************************************************************


I was so relieved and happy for her, for me, for us. Her wish had been granted. She was ours now, fully and totally, as much as we had always been ‘hers’. But I was also incredibly sad too, that her owner thought that her wanting to be with us meant she preferred us. So I replied to her life changing message in a letter.


Our Crinkle 30^th May 2020
Dear Xx,

Thank you for your message gifting your beautiful, determined little Crinkle to us.

It brought up so many mixed emotions: made me so sad and brought tears to my eyes, but it made me happy too, so I thought I’d write some of all that your gift, your Crinkle, has made me and Xxxx feel.

I’ll go back to the start….

When you first got Crinkle, Mel would bring her round to see us and take her all over the estate and they were delightful to see together. He taught her his ways: which was to get soaking wet and dig and explore and and hunt for rabbits and accompany Xxxx on her walks with Angus on his lead and to come round to visit us.

Whenever we were around, it was Mel’s routine to wait at the back gate until we opened it, or he would come around to outside the bedroom window to try to get our attention. I never understood how he knew which room we were in, but that was your clever Mel and he just did. He would also try to get into the garden at every opportunity and then would happily sit by the closed or open back door, but always on the alert for the sound of you or XXXX. The delight when he heard you and had to so excitedly bound off to see you, ears flapping & tail wagging as ran, melted my heart every single time. He ‘d grin and seemed to be saying “My Xx needs me!” or “My XXXX needs me!” It was always XXXX’s call for him that would get him the most excited and happy.

The ramped area by the back door gets lovely and warm in the sun and Mel would sit there till he got too hot and then he would move into the shade to cool down before returning again, or, once we had Angus, he’d run around the garden like a happy loon with Angus. He respected that he was not allowed into the house, but occasionally if we had a party and lots of people around, he would try to sneak in, and if he did he’d lie under the dining room table, where he thought we wouldn’t find him, and he’d look really sheepish when we found him there and plead to be allowed to stay before skulking off. That was before Crinkle arrived.

Once Crinkle was his little companion, bless him, he never did try coming into the house again and the two of them would patiently sit by the back gate, or the back door, or under the bedroom window, or would bounce around the garden with Angus, or accompany Xxxx and/or me or Xxxxx on our rambles with Angus. They all loved digging for rabbits and if ever Angus escaped, invariably Mel, then both Crinkle and Mel would help search for him and then, when Mel was no longer with us, little Crinkle herself would lead the way and help us find him. It was uncanny how she knew exactly where he would be. Just last week Xxxx lost Angus in the early hours when he’d got distressed and needed a walk in the middle of the night as he often does now that he is getting old and has dementia. Not being able to find him she returned home hoping he’d be back already or that he would be soon. An hour or so later, at first light, when he hadn’t returned, Xxxx set off to look for him, this time with Crinkle accompanying her. Crinkle left her side and ran off down to the edge of the lakes in front of the manor and Xxxx thought she was after the nesting birds or something, so went to see and found Angus there trapped in brambles and chest deep in the water, letting out little whimpers once he spotted his Xxxx. Xxxx was so relieved. She’d never have found him without Crinkle’s help as, for all his lunatic barking at other times, whenever he’s in actual trouble, the silly fellow just waits silently to be found and rescued.

So, back to Crinkle. After Mel was gone and Tiffany had arrived she mounted a sustained campaign to be allowed to hang out more with us. She dug herself into the garden and regularly helped Angus dig himself out too. The two of them would work in tandem, each from either side of the fence digging to get to each other. Xxxx would place heavy logs over the tunnels they’d made and we watched them on several occasions as they moved them out of the way again: they’d get on either end of the logs and inch by inch first one and then the other would wiggle it away, working in unison until they had shifted it and made enough space to squeeze through and run off on another adventure together! It was so impressive, it was hard to get cross with them.

As Tiffany started exploring the estate, she naturally followed Crinkle to XxXx Cottage and on the walks she tagged along on. Crinkle would grouch at her whenever she came around, especially when she’d try to climb into my lap for cuddles outside in the garden, or try to go into the house. Crinkle herself, at the time, was still following Mel’s teaching and was staying out of the house. She’d often lie by the open back door with her snout just inside the doorway, not daring to come in. Then slowly she got braver and would settle down further and further into the doorway and each time we’d shoo her out again. But Angus and she had become firm friends and he would take his bones or treats out to her. The bond between them is quite incredible. We’ve never actually put food down for her, but nowadays if Angus is eating something and she comes along, he moves aside to allow her to eat first. I am always amazed at how much he loves her and she him.

So how did she end up spending all her time here if we were shooing her away? She wormed her way in. The first time Xxxx let her spend the night here was one night when it was freezing outside and she turned up crying outside our bedroom window. Xxxx said she wasn’t going to walk down with her at that hour in the cold, so she let her in and gave her a cushion to bed down on in the kitchen. That emboldened her and slowly she started settling herself down just inside the kitchen door and over time started coming further and further into the house, often just to chase Tiffany out as Tiffany would regularly saunter in, tail wagging and oblivious of any social norms as she hadn’t had Mel around to teach them to her by his example.

When Xxxxx was around I’d get her to take Crinkle down to you at the end of her shift, but as soon as she could, she’d be right back, sometimes in the middle of the night, whimpering and crying outside our bedroom window until Xxxx either picked her up and trotted her back down to XxXx Cottage or would just give up and let her in, especially when it was cold and wet.

Without wishing to be mean and unkind to her but at the same time not wanting to encourage her to be here, we’ve been careful over all this time not to give her the full love and attention we shower on Angus and not to even put food down for her specifically, though Angus has always been very gentlemanly and moved aside to let Crinkle share his food before he eats, so we’ve not had much choice in the matter. At the same time as trying not to encourage her, the last thing we wanted to do was to be mean to her or to starve her, as that’s just not us, although I know you’d asked that we be mean to her in order to discourage her from coming round. But being soft and totally unable to be mean, we’d chosen instead to treat both of them so differently, picking up and cuddling Angus often and just ignoring or giving Crinkle an occasional tickle, although treating them so differently broke my heart and made both of us feel incredibly mean. And, despite all that, she has still insisted on being here and even more so once Binky arrived and it’s got ever harder to say no to her as we definitely saw a big change in her after that. Until then she would allow Xxxx to pick her up and put her into your door but she’s got increasingly desperate and determined for this not to happen.

You say “I have decided that since Crinkle prefers your company to mine that I am going to gift her to you both”, despite all your obvious love for her, which breaks my heart, and I also understand from our previous conversations that it has been very upsetting for you and that it must be incredibly heartbreaking for you too, to finally give in to her wishes and give her away to us so she can be where she is choosing to be. I want though to assure you that I don’t think it has anything to do with her preferring us to you so much as feeling safer and less bothered here by the leggy, vivacious and overbearing Tiffany and Binky. Ever since they arrived she started to growl at any of us who wanted to take her home and put her in at your door, but when Mel was around that really wasn’t a problem for her.

So thank you, Xx for your brave and loving if possibly exasperated decision. In gifting Crinkle to us you have also allowed us to love her freely and fully, which is what she deserves in full measure, but until now, torn by not wanting to tear her away from you and seeing her turn up here wanting sanctuary from Tiffany and Binks as well as acceptance from us, we’ve not really dared to do so. She’s going to wonder what has changed and why, particularly when we let her travel away with us instead of leaving her looking wistfully at us as we drive away with her best friend, Angus.

Finally, I wanted to say she is ‘Our Crinkle’ now, not meaning Xxxx and mine alone, but yours too, and Angus’s also, as well as still being the estate’s own beautiful little girl. You’ve just extended her family to include us. Her love for you and your love for her, can never and will never be replaced by our love for her and this, XxX, and XxXxX Cottage too, will always be her home and her joyful, happy playground. In gifting her to us, you have just gifted her a whole load more love and acceptance, as she so fully deserves, and I hope we can all be happier, both for her and in ourselves too, now that XxXx Cottage is also officially her ‘home’ too.

Love and so much gratitude for this precious little gift and our heartfelt apologies for anything we have unwittingly and unintentionally done to support Crinkle’s decision to adopt this as her second home and her feisty determination to spend so much of her time here that you’ve finally felt compulsed to give in to her and hand her into our care, however reluctantly and sadly.

If I wasn’t in the ‘shielded’ group and having to strictly socially distance myself , I’d come down to see you and to hug you in person. And when I can finally do so, I promise I will.

In the mean time sending Big Hugs full of love,

M-E, Xxxx, Angus and Crinkle xxx


************************************************************************


But it wasn’t easy making the change. She had to learn how to be ours, to trust that we weren’t going to leave her, that we weren’t going to return her to her house, that we were going to shower her with all the love that she deserved, in full, not as a delightful little visitor we welcomed and adored but as our own adoring and totally adored baby, forever.

She was used to us giving her a treat and/or picking her up when it was home time and had become wary and mistrusting of us whenever we gave her a treat or picked her up, as it often spelt time to go, time to leave.

So it took time to teach her to relax and enjoy being picked up and cuddled and getting treats. It was heartbreaking yet beautiful to see her slowly but surely, over the next few months, begin to relax and enjoy herself even more than she had ever allowed herself to do until then. She had always been fearful that she would be told to leave, or taken away, or made to leave, or worst of all, see us leave, not knowing when we would return to her. Every time I left her it would break my heart to see her crest fallen little self slowly walking back down the hill and every time we returned my heart would soar with her as I watched her come skipping up to greet us. It’s been a decade of roller-coaster rides for both our hearts and finally, this past year, she and I have been able to let our hearts relax into each other fully. And now that she is gone, she rests at home in my heart forever.


************************************************************************

With her ongoing problems with eye infections, we knew that sooner or later we would have to take Crinkle to the vet, but I didn’t want her first car trip to be to the vets, so we considered taking her for a drive and a walk somewhere different in the countryside, so she would know car journeys could be fun and that she would be returning home, with us and to us, as our beloved baby girl, just as Angus had always done.

I needed to help her understand that she would now travel with us wherever and whenever we went away and that we would never again leave her behind.

The first time we took her out in the car, she was petrified. She tried scrambling away from us and was desperately trying to get out again when we put her into the car. You could see the relief on her face and in her body language when she realised it was a fun trip: that we would stay with her and have fun with her and would bring her back and would not abandon or leave her anywhere.

For that first trip we visited a friend in late August. It was the first time, other than my aunt’s funeral, that I had gone anywhere in the car to be either indoors or outdoors, since March. I hadn’t been anywhere, other than at home in London or in the woods since March. At my friend’s we sat at the wide open patio doors of my friend’s house, with our masks on, to stay safe and to keep each other safe.

Crinkle and Angus immediately set about exploring the bungalow and the enclosed garden excitedly and eventually they settled down, with Crinkle keeping her eye firmly on us, to make sure we didn’t leave her there. When we didn’t leave her, she was absolutely overjoyed. She excitedly hopped back into the car with us when we left my friends house, all prepared for the next adventure, or to return home with us. Either way she was a happy little puppy and my heart sang with happiness for her. From then on she was relaxed and happy to get into the car with us whenever we had to go anywhere. She didn’t care where we went, as long as she could be with us. The transformation was amazing and beautiful to see and it made me love her even more.

We took her to see my mother and her bubble of friends in the garden of her sheltered accommodation and the to my house in London where she met our cat Scratch for the first time which I was a little worried about but in the end it all went smoothly: Scratch kept away from her and all was well.

It was the first time she had been to London and although she is used to seeing lots of birds in the woods, she was fascinated at seeing a whole flock of pigeons coming right up to us in my mum’s garden, where they were used to being fed by the old ladies there. The little whimpers of excitement at seeing them and her looks back to me, which seemed to say “What are these?! Let me at them!” was just adorable and my mum and her friends fell in love with her. One of mum’s friends even brought out some roast chicken for her. She was so incredibly happy and so was I.

Having always been in a place where traffic moves at a maximum speed of 10mph and where everyone knows her and stops to say hello, being in London with cars and buses moving at high speed, and so many of them too, and seeing people approach and then walk past her totally ignoring her friendly welcoming looks and tail wags as she walked along was very perplexing for her but she was in heaven, because she was with us. That is all she had ever wanted and now, for the first time she was able to be with me wherever I was and she felt safe and happy and contented and my heart sang with joy to see her so happy.

As regularly as possible, Xxxx & I would pick her up and pet her and spoil her more freely and warmly than ever before, to make up for all the cuddles we hadn’t been allowed to give her, to remind her that things were different now, that she was officially and forever our baby girl now and would be loved by us forever. But it wasn’t till a week before Christmas, my birthday in fact, that she finally, of her own volition, felt comfortable enough to bounce up and settle on my lap for a cuddle. My heart burst with happiness and with sadness too! It had taken her that long to realise it was okay to do so. She had always watched Angus coming up to us to get his cuddles and now, finally, she could do so too.

My heart is breaking thinking of it. Thinking how, for such a very short while she really knew she belonged and was loved, totally and absolutely by us, as much as she had always loved us herself.

My heart is bursting with love for this precious beautiful being who chose us as her family, chose us to love and be with, chose us to love her back. It’s breaking again and again and again with every thought of her, with every second of knowing she is no longer here. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for her love for us and for the opportunity we have had to give her our love in return over the past decade and especially so this past year.

What a privilege to be chosen by her; to be ‘hers’; to have her as ours; to love and to be loved by and held in the heart of this precious beautiful little girl: our Crinkle.


************************************************************************


Yesterday, for the first time ever, I shared a photo with me in it, as my cover photo on Facebook.

I had to think long and hard about it, as it isn’t something I am comfortable doing and certainly isn’t something I had ever done before.

But my beloved Crinkle died on Wednesday and I wanted to honour her and the incredible and very special relationship she had with me.

She had a way of making me feel like she really loved me, that I mattered, that she was looking out for me, whether we were indoors or out and about.

Whenever we were out and about she would stay with me and keep an eye on me, particularly this past year and somehow even more so ever since she became officially ours and we hers. Her love and protection of me has been incredible. I have always been hers.

She would not leave me whenever we went out for a walk. She would sometimes look wistfully and maybe even take a step or two in the direction that Angus would head off in, but she took it upon herself to stay with me and never leave me on my own, I guess to keep an eye on me and make sure I was okay. I felt so loved, so protected and so humbled by the love she gave me so freely, gently and unconditionally and I in return did everything I could do, to love and protect her back and to be worthy of her priceless gift to me, of her unconditional and fiercely loyal, protective love. It breaks my heart that I wasn’t able to save her when the sudden end came, or even to hold her as she slipped away from us, though I am comforted in knowing she chose where to sleep her final sleep with us: beneath the bed, in the bedroom, near us, with us.

It all happened so suddenly: she was poorly on the night of the 11th, so I sat up all night with her, to hold and comfort her and to make sure she was okay. After a visit to the vets the next day she seemed to pick up a little, but sadly passed away the next morning, Wednesday 13th January 2021. I am broken hearted and can’t stop crying. It’s amazing the enormous hole such a little thing can leave.

The photo I posted was of Crinkle and me and was taken on the occasion when Angus had got bored and wandered off and was busy taking himself home via his favourite haunts and watering stops, as all dogs do when they have the freedom to roam freely.

While he was busy with his business, I was busy with mine, racing against the fading light, assisted by Xxxx, setting up my phone to film and record me to help Bernadette Vallely with the promotion of her new book by reading a tiny bit from the book and talking a little bit about it too, for the launch of: ‘Your Planet Needs You. An everyday guide to saving the earth’.

All the while my adorable Little Crinkle sat and waited and as I began to read and speak she watched and patiently waited some more for me. It really looked like she was my attentive audience, that I was reading for her alone as she sat there taking in every word, and maybe she was taking in every word, and maybe I was reading for her alone, while of course filming it too, so it could also help the amazing Bernadette in the pressing and urgent cause of calling upon everyone to play their part in saving our planet.

I don’t know what my baby girl was thinking as she watched me. What I do know is I felt so loved, protected and cared for by her and that I totally and absolutely loved and adored her in return and wanted to do everything I could to protect and be there for her too, always. She was my baby girl and more loved and precious to me than any words can say. My tears and broken heart are testament to just how much love she engendered in our hearts for her and how privileged and honoured we were to be chosen by her to make us ‘hers’.

We belonged to her. She knew that all along. It wasn’t she who needed to learn it. We did. And once we’d learnt the lesson she left, mission accomplished, free to run free over the rainbow bridge, as they say, leaving us with our hearts full of both the love she gave and had for us and the love we had for her. What an enormous legacy of love to have gifted and left us with!

************************************************************************

Rest in peace my darling little baby girl, Crinkle. I love you and miss you and will hold you forever, wrapped safely in the tenderest of love within my broken heart.

Thank you for holding me in your bright beautiful heart so consistently for all these years and for filling my heart with so much more love. I know you will still be with me wherever I am, especially whenever we are out and about in the woods, where we had the most fun together, through bluebells in the springtime and summer’s sunshine speckled through the trees or rustling along through autumn’s leaves and even in the midst of winters frosts and mud and snow. It was glorious to be with you, to be yours, to have you as my baby girl.

You will be with me, with all of us who loved you, forever, through every season and wherever we go. You and your incredible love will live on in our hearts forever.

Sleep well my sweet baby girl.

I love you, my Crinkle.

************************************************************************

NB In order to maintain the privacy, security and confidentiality of the people in this story, apart from the pets names, I have used ‘xxxx’s to blank out any names of people and places.